Hearts Petrified

When doves come to rest on hardened shoulders,

they have many stories to tell,

for up in the sky they know too well,

of earthly paradise and hell,

and they say what needs to be said of what is seen and what is done,

But the iron beneath never cracks nor softens, in ice nor in blazing sun,

The crows - they come too - to caw and cackle in cast ears their death-breath kinds of warnings,

But still and steady the focus stays...no chance in second mornings,

Up above further, past the flocks and flutters - the pens fly across the pages,

Only justice in their duty - Record! Lest the story is decreed to age,

And so the doves return tirelessly until that time - of which there is no doubt,

cooing "look beyond the walls you built of fear and hypocritical grout...

...to succumb to the solution you have been petrified without"


Speckled across the world, caged hearts shriek and squawk in ruffles of remorse:
"Yes! The Olive Tree once green - bleeds greed - go see what it's all about!"


Yet even Truth cannot turn the heads of statues...facing inward - and never out.

Taqwa

The dream took its course down the green and lush brush.

It crept like a vine.

Night fell in a hush (shhh!)...

Rushed!
Gathered up what we could find on the way,
we didn't mind the consequential,
and didn't see the signs.

Then the laughter hurt harder
and lasted longer...
And no matter our fill - we were strangled by constant hunger.

We became just rattling shells in a tangled, chemical space,
draining the pure,
and salvaging waste.

Oh God - put taqwa back in its place.






taqwa* Arabic for 'piety'.





Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, "My parable and that of yours is like a man who kindled a fire. When it has illuminated all around him, the moths and grasshoppers began to fall therein. He tried to push them away, but they overcame him and jumped into it. I am catching hold of your waists ties (to save you) from fire, but you slip away from my hands".

If you want to run...chase Paradise.

We are all philosophers who should say:
 'I am nothing.'




Sudden conversations of the soul:



Sometimes no response - is the response.


Being grateful is crucial to sanity...and believe me - you have infinite blessings to be thankful for.

Don't think deep enough for the anglers to glow...your imagination can grab the wheel and go - think like the horizon and hover over your thoughts with a sharp hawk's eye - spear divergence from truth on the spot.


You do not need to express every thought or feeling at every moment (kinda contrary to what I'm doing now).

My thoughts are vague here - but inside they're clear. Why stencil a circle in public when it's more creative to slap paint on a wall?
Then step back and say 'get the picture?'

When you make Pakistani chai...always bring a sieve with you. Don't consider whale's milk as an alternative to cow's.

It's as Simple. As. That.

Hunger = void that can only be filled divinely.

Don't be suckered into buying hope.

Albert Einstein was not as cool as I thought he was (though we do share a birthday)...the list he made his (ex) wife was pretty harsh. Not all clever people are civil ethical human beings. Knowledge cannot be worshiped - it can only be used!

People don't listen (though they act like they do).

Sometimes you have to focus on the thorns, not the rose.

There are ranks in this world and the next - in this one, each heart varies in its softness/hardness - so do not expect what you would expect from yourself.

Seek people who are consistent, kind, generous and are sincerely trying to model their lives after the messengers of the past (knowingly or unknowingly - I mean, what other solid role models can you base your life on other than those of phenomenal character who humbly proclaimed to have contact with the divine?).

We act like who we love - so love the ones who are worthy.

[However] if you find yourself in different company -
don't leave - stay.
Make more room - show the way.



Yearn not for laughter. Bring the bass down to salam...salam...
Old jokes, however, will always stay funny.
Hey.
Whatddayagonnado?




Life is a struggle no matter what faith you choose...choose one and stick with it, lest you be lost to the masses. But - do not expect to embrace a faith and be suddenly filled with euphoria, instant epiphanies or enlightenment in each moment - life will test you - people will test you - God will test you.

Let them.

How will you take the test? What are your guidelines? How real is the foundation of your actions?
Instant Instinct? Scrambled ideas? Solid belief?
Pascal's Theory?

I will ask my questions!

If there's grime - will you clean it up now and how?


If you believe in truth, do not embody the fake.


Pray for others and ask only for yourself - forgiveness.

Be productive.

Think of others in your life at this moment. What do they need? Are they in need? How can you serve them for God's sake (though, please know - I am no saint).

Don't waste time!

Go to bed early!

Eat your veggies!

Don't bite those nails! (ARGH-just did)


Read books of all genres and subjects!
All which will point 'yes' to The Book.

Do...do...do... So on and so forth like a good little insignificant human.




On another note.

Bring 'it' up close - that 'snail' on Virginia Woolf's wall...
Without the stereotypes...without the images...without the names...




What is that special 'it' about it? 
Really!


"You don't know it, but you need it." (Hanson song...)






Last splatter - (I know we're all thinking..."but why does this all matter!!!!!!!!?")

Can't follow me? Well, follow what you know is the latter.

Plant in the depths compassion for others...despite what they may think of you. Let not their
imaginary chatter, their unspoken words make a ripple in your heart - strive to be the tree rooted in a
Good Word.

Awaken to the existence of the various worlds within the worlds. Ant mounds, beehives, villages, packs, herds, tribes, zones, the planets, your cells...and the most dangerous place to try and survive - your mind.


Breathe it in - enjoy - but remember ticking time.

What has been given has been given. Don't search for what can't be found.


At one point, you'll look back -
don't 
- without a 'bismillah'  (in the name of God)...

And when turned in wonder at the dark side of the moon
Know that -
Darkness upon darkness does not render light.

Carry that weight. March on. Even to struggle your whole life.
We are just servants. Though we may never be just.

Purpose:

Bring out the light...

light
upon
light
upon
light!




Surah An-Nur (The Light)...Ayah (Verse) 35

God is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The parable of His light is, as it were, that of a niche containing a lamp; the lamp is [enclosed] in glass, the glass [shining] like a radiant star:  [a lamp] lit from a blessed tree -an olive-tree that is neither of the east nor of the west  - the oil whereof [is so bright that it] would well-nigh give light [of itself] even though fire had not touched it: light upon light!   God guides unto His light him that wills [to be guided]; and [to this end] God propounds parables unto men, since God [alone] has full knowledge of all things. 

Not a madwoman.

Ramadan Reflection:

Once in a while I wonder...

Do people who I used to know think I've gone mad?

I'm sure they don't think I'm weird because I was always weird...but...

Stop.

...Actually....you know what?

I have to lower my wings and think of it from their point of view without judgement.

I'm sure if all of a sudden some random close friend of mine from HS started dressing up in Hasidic clothing and quoting things from the Talmud and Torah...I'm imagining - yeah...maybe it would shock me. In an instant my brain would create a picture of what that kind of activities that person does, what kind of personality they have, or how they live their life...all based on biased unsound knowledge. I have to realize 'my norm' isn't everyone else's norm. I am part of a growing minority community now...I can't pretend people won't question or shy away from that...

A lot of people now through facebook and other social media probably just get shocked by the visual aspect of my way of life...and maybe some of the spiritual they can understand or probably just ignore (through posts etc.) but...it will only be in meeting me face-to-face that you'll sense the deep rooted positive change I've gone through (God-willing)....

(P.S. Unrelated - I would love to have a Hasidic gal friend...we could totally shop at H&M for long skirts together...this sounds sarcastic, but I'm serious - I kinda wish I had an Orthodox Jewish friend :-) No offense Christian sisters...I have so many of you - trying to balance it out here :-))

Anyways - I'm sure when ppl first saw my pics or heard about my conversion they were like...

"Oh NO! What happened to HOLLY?" *upset/worried*

or: "Dude - Holly became Muslim what the-?" *confusion*

or: "Ok......step away from the freak." *repulsion, rejection, and denial*

or..."She's extreme just stay AWAY!" *fear*


...I am not extreme by the way. I am trying to be extremely BALANCED in this life...that is all.

(Islam condemns extremism fyi).

Or some ppl may think I became Arab or something... just out of ignorance to what Islam is (...Islam knows no colors or race so no I did not get into some freak DNA incident... - I am 88% British Isles 9% Scandinavian and 3% other OKKKKK?)

Just like the Messiah - the Messenger of God - Jesus (peace be upon him) spoke Aramaic...Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) spoke Arabic - and God revealed their scriptures with their own languages so that the immediate people around them could understand the divine messages and so the Messengers could convey them more easily.......so no I do not have ties or loyalty to any Arab state...just as I'm sure most Christians in this country don't consider themselves Israelis because they are Christian and Jesus (peace be upon him) happened to preach in those lands. I am a Muslim (one submitted to the will of God) and I practice a way of life called Islam (submission to God). It is an Abrahamic tradition that considers itself the seal and completion of the prophets, messages, and holy scriptures of Judaism and Christianity.
That's it...all the rest...you know - is just bad media and materialistic fluff (especially the scarf on my head that gets all the attention ha).

Anyways.

My puzzled mind is just trying to wrap itself around the fact that I've...


I've lost touch with some friends. I'm sure not intentionally on their or my part (that's what I try to say to myself). Alhamdulilah (All praises to God) I have a lot of solid friendships here. I mean it makes sense - I live in MD now...most of my old friends live in NY or in other states - it's hard to keep up a friendship - even with all the social media! However, very, very few have stayed in touch. Yes, lifestyle differences - that could be it. People are also 'busy' every time you ask them what's up.
But I'm sure in my situation people must be thrown off by a combination of lifestyle differences and their preconceived notions of Islam. Yeah that makes sense...it's understood. I don't blame them. But hey - if you are reading this...old friend!!! Hello!

I am Holly. I chose a path...not a different identity. I chose a way of life, not a personality switch.

I was the one who wanted to be catwoman in 6th grade on Broadway (and I think to this day Anne Hathaway SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CATWOMAN...I should've been ha - now, with slight costume alterations of course).

I write poems, sing...do theater, still (when I'm not mothering)!

Ask all my friends who are Muslim or non-Muslim around me and they will tell you ...'she's so random and bubbly'...Does that NOT sound like how I was before?

Don't be scared or thrown off by appearances...or maybe some posts on facebook you just don't get but you know what...that's ok. You don't have to get them. You don't have to like them. I don't think we can 100% 'get' anyone...even our own spouses or family members.

But you must accept.
This is who I am now.
First - I am Muslim.
Then - I am American. I like halal (permissible, clean slaughtered) turkey bacon (with that I make some tasty basil bacon burgers - Diners Drive-Ins and Dives style). I like bbqs. I go camping. I fish. I play guitar. I make some mean Turkish and American food (Come to my house! Gel! Gel!)...I love Jon Stewart<3. I love classic Rock n' Roll. I am a huge Hanson fan (yes - TayHanson4L die hard). I love taking pictures of flowers and nature. I am very interested in animal life, especially marine flora and fauna (ask me what it is...I might know. Example: the other day at a friend's house - her bathroom has all these sea creatures painted on the walls - and I heard my friend's son ask "Is that a stingray?"..to his mom. His mom said "Ask Holly teyze (aunt)" - I took one look "It's a Manta Ray").

Sooo do you guys think I could get my Masters in Marine Biology??? With a  BA in Theater? ...........
(I asked this to my friend who was a Doctor - she laughed) but I say "insha Allah :-)". I am quirky...I am sensitive. I am inspired by many great Muslims out there...Muslim Americans like Hamza Yusuf and Zaid Shakir....Yasmin Mogahed......but don't be fooled by their looks or their names...!
All great people. All sane. All smart. All educated. All American. 

[Being] American isn't just one look or one creed. I am an example of that.
We must open our eyes to different examples. Just take a look at American cuisine (dumplings, kabobs, pizza, tandoori chicken, pasta, burritos...a colorful menu!)
We can't just keep eating the same boiled rice, corn n' potatoes with meatloaf.
America is ever changing. Give it a chance.

However, it goes both ways. Just because Thomas Jefferson had a copy of the Quran or such and such Civil War (or was it WW2?) general said the Quran was a 'good and interesting book' doesn't mean you have to like it, too... I cannot make you like it!
(Thomas Jefferson also liked Mac n' Cheese. Score for me - we now have 2 things in common.)
But being Muslim does have its roots in America and in the American way (turn the other cheek...love thy neighbor as thyself...the golden rule...the 10 commandments? All Islamic values as well)...all the way from the beginning of our history (most slaves brought here were Muslims fyi).

Because I made a change doesn't mean you need to change. My changing is not a judgement on you - even if it may make you feel that way...and I'm sorry if it does.

Just because I don't drink or wear outfits like you (along with any other acts you may think Muslims would disapprove of)...doesn't mean I would judge you if you did!
 Really!
 As Muslims we believe God is The Judge. It's considered backbiting to judge someone else (Muslim or non-Muslim). I try not to do that...(though obviously as a human I do make mistakes). I can try to encourage you to make positive choices in your life -  and I WILL NOT support something you do which is forbidden to me - but guess what? It's just forbidden TO ME - if you aren't Muslim - feel free to go ahead and live by your own rules (whatever those may be or whatever you base your morals on) - but I cannot judge you or your actions - that is up to God.

Back to the pt.
Maybe some old friends DO understand. In their hearts perhaps there's a sort of...'at least she chose a path' subconscious thought. Maybe  it's evident to them that others around them don't know what path they are even on. Some people are just surface followers of a religion...or just floaters - giving and taking with what comes their way - giving into the trends, accepting traditions without questioning the meanings behind them, not thinking of others...not thinking of how this world will end......some old friends may recognize the deep seriousness of that reality and the lightness, clarity and strength Islam has given to me. God knows best.



When I say: "I know the truth"...it's not an arrogant statement - though it may come across as harsh.

Muslims don't think they are better than you. They just want what is better for you (sincerely, genuinely, humbly).




 I shouldn't even be caring what other people think. I haven't until this pt. so why should I start now?....

I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that...'Holly becoming Muslim' has been the super HOT PINK elephant in the room for the past couple of years, and I'm sorry to friends, family, and foe alike for not coming out and saying something - and yet expecting you all to tag along for the ride and just 'understand'. It wasn't and isn't fair. <3
So of course you must've have come up with your own suspicions about me.....granted.


This 'Am I mad?' mentality reminds me of the time when the Final Messenger of God was almost starting to believe in his opposition's accusations. He was thinking to himself "Am I mad? Am I crazy?...Are they right?"...poor man. It had been a while since the archangel Gabriel had visited him with the revelation from God...so his enemies had started to taunt him, and as a result he had started to doubt himself.

Humans!
We are so convincing...we use the illusions of this world to our benefit and ultimately to our own destruction! Ah, but it is God who gives the final word...the affirmation...

Surah Al Qalam  (The Pen).

"By the pen, and what they inscribe,
You (O Muhammad) are not, by the favor of your Lord, a madman.....
 And verily, for you (O Muhammad) will be an endless reward.
 And verily, you (O Muhammad) are on an exalted standard of character.
 You will see, and they will see,
 Which of you is afflicted with madness.
 Verily, your Lord knows better, who (among men) has gone astray from His Path, and He knows better those who are guided.
 So (O Muhammad) obey not the deniers,
 They wish that you should compromise (in religion out of courtesy) with them, so they (too) would compromise with you. "

So there you have it. I am not mad - my friends and my foes.

Nope. Not mad.

May God protect us from the deception of others....from any doubt in His Wisdom...from our carnal desires and from evil whispers....

I want to make a shout out to all my friends and foes of the past and just say:

Peace and blessings be upon you!!! <3 <3 <3

-Holly (Holls) (Hollster) (Holl) (Kitty) etc. etc. etc. !!!

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come.” - Mawlana Jelaluddin Rumi

Clean Paper

Wake up serene.

Like a fresh sheet of paper

not a dot of an ink blot stain to hide.

Thank God cleanliness survived!

As the daylight heat burns on,

I start to feel the prickly sting,
so I start to sing... the familiar song.

The scale then tips,
once the words spill off my lips.

Where have I gone?

The echo strong.

Much beauty - there is
in being wrong.

War with the Nafs

You would love me to love this dunya...wouldn't you?

Desire it.
Miss it.
Cling to its memories.

At the core, in the magma...I'm sure there's burning fire.

and if I give into the lie...?

If I give into the lie....



My heart gets twisted in...

like a reluctant grin,

I've already seen the clown show,

So do I know where I'll go?

When the colors swirl together in that rush

Do they bring me back home?

Or do they drift me up into the breeze...

Instead of praying on my knees.

Today it's a 'give in' -

Tomorrow repentance.

How can I win?

How can I win?

Inside reminds - Be constant and upright!!! Be constant and upright!!!

Slay the dragon with remembrance

not with a mental fire fight!

Exchange the love that is temporary

for a love that is everlasting!

For if the plague takes over

the sick soul won't know it's over

And if I say The All Knower knows best

why am I doubting all the rest? (Yes!

So take your head out of the clouds of this world

and place your feet in paradise!)

If God wills me to accept this life of sacrifice,

and reject with sincerity the illusions you provide,

I can say I won you over before my demise.

For the Heart to Become Clear and Soft...

"Give life to your hearts by laughing rarely, and purify them with hunger, for they will thereby become clear and soft. " Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him)

RAMADAN POEMS...Ramadan Mubarak...!


A New Light


You cannot bend back the sunflower

from the glowing light of the sun,

nor a moth headed straight to the flame,

you cannot seize its invisible reins,

nor the reed blown by the Eastern breeze,

whispering, bowing, to The Truth, The Mighty.

It was ordained and ordered as it was with me...

No - you cannot change my creed.

Belief was planted - so heed the seed.

For indeed - my heart does see. 

Protected by lids of flesh, divine layers, 
where it lies in peace - falsehood cannot breathe.

Truth lives, and is free...I'm keen to your deceit
But Rot cannot penetrate its certainty.

All praises to The Protector.

Allah. 

Alham-du-lillah!

For your guidance and for you I pray...

O simple minded human being made from clay - what you say

cannot make me sway,

Only! If Allah wills.






The Answer to 'Why?'



It's as if someone grabbed me by the shoulders

turned me around,

and said: "Look!"

To my surprise - I was off the straight path, into the weeds, and into the jungle - dark and unclean...

With no true guide, only using my sensory inclinations to decide - leaving me empty inside...

reaching out feeling nothing...swiping at risk and Satan's treasures,
only to have them disappear before sunrise - always melting before my eyes...
never full, never lasting - living on desire - jumping from low branches and then to high,

In that swivel, in that rotation, in that life transformation - a SNAP that was clean

I saw in that 180 turn a way in which I had not seen...


How to describe?

Sureness - peacefulness - the scavenger hunt was over.


Oh if you hadn't grabbed me by the shoulders,

nor nourished my heart?


Where would I be?


How to thank you for the clarity 

sirat al mustakim...!

the purest path on which to start.

Submission to You...For You my heart.






For the Heart

The four chambers of the heart ...nourish the flow and ebb between...

give and take and take and give.

Bending to the will of The Unseen

and yes, it's true - that they know

they don't control the ebb and flow.

The body they serve to feed...

 they cleanse and purify indeed!

The body does not fight the rush

of richness through the veins,

"STOP!"...it does not say to hush,

the pounding profound parade

Ourselves?

we trust

in it...

Divine!

What became before the brain or spine...?

Beating alone in an echoed womb...

be! - and there we were...

Be!

Yes...


How to...?


Be...goodfirmsoftlighttrueopenhumble...?

My heart never betrays -

on and on it beats my path...and yet it's me who chooses to stray!

And when I struggle to breathe in harms' way - my heart struggles harder to keep me alive...

(Support from where? Did you yourself decide to give ease to the flowing tides?

From where does its power arise? Contemplate...without compromise.)

It pumps on and on - in chambers - in song...with mercy that fills the space.

So when in doubt of your own heart...listen for the soundness of its make...

and know there in every breath or step or road that you choose to take,

Rely on it! For it has carried you through...no matter what there was at stake,

Oh believer,  take a deep look at your heart -

What will you do - for its sake?



Mecca

In the center.
In the heart.
There was a drum.
That started beating.
Rippling dust.
Of this world.
Through the -
crystallized atmosphere.
Lean in closer.
Ear tilted to hear.
It is here.
Where we turn.
Round together.
Facing One.
And the same.
The One with many Names.
Find us.
    Here.
In our Heart.
Of Mecca,                        (Come to yearn)
Far or Near.                     (Come to learn)
My Heart Sees.
The Truth.                       
You and Him.                     (Mecca awaits!)
It is clear.                           (It's your turn.)

There's No Shape for the Change in me...

Some poems from China (before becoming Muslim) written during fall '06...nothing is edited (save for grammatical errors). More poems might be up in the future from China, but here are three for now. Enjoy:

The Selfish Self
(Inspired by: a child in the subway with no arms)


My pocket only goes so deep,
So then I guess...
So does my heart.

I'm sorry I'm an American with a couple of pounds to spare, but got no change for me to share....
Only got green eyes and yellow hair pink grey sneakers that I wear!

But I swear...


I do care.


I'll give you a smile and a wave, as if that could somehow save:

The child moaning, arms burnt off,
a stub, a nub, an echoed cough
that travels through the holes in my head,
and I think this time tomorrow - this kid could be dead


Pity wasn't prepared and sympathy was sleeping.
Even the guilt that I felt - I was selfishly keeping.

Diverting my eyes,
Erasing my smile,



Foolish, but 'smart' to walk away,

and anyway -

by tomorrow I knew I'd forget today...




ONE EYED DEVIL
(Inspired by: Chinese villagers who lived in ancient caves...lived very modestly...yet still had flat-screen tvs)




One eyed devil everywhere.
Never winks. Always stares.

Even in the caves,
you Cyclops.
you Monster.
Taking the precious with your succulent sponsors,

Go AWAY.

Leave them ALONE.

They don't know the dangers you possess between the buzzing of your Technicolor shows!

Too much of you and we forget the earth

If we see the view through your flat eye we get -

Only half
of what it's worth.






Short Shorts
(Inspired by: Wearing short shorts and feeling embarrassment, questioning my values)


Culture gone lazy lemon sour,

Memories...!
Sweet with the taste of American apple pie,
Blue birds in the sky...

It's not too late.

(And) as the world laughs,

I look down at my short shorts and wonder -
if it's time 
we change.